Where Real Victory Lives Part 2

I'm assuming you've already read Where Real Victory Lives Part 1. That's important. It lays the foundation for what's being covered here in Part 2.

Years ago, my wife and I saw a silly card that made us laugh.

An older couple was sharing their marriage secret with a newly married couple. The older gentleman said they'd decided early on that he would make the big decisions and she would make the small ones. It worked so well that in all these years they hadn't had a single big decision.

My wife and I definitely saw the humour in that. Today, it brings me to a big part of this overall message: the marriage relationship. Some folks will disagree with me, but this is how I see it reflected in the Bible.

Let me start by referencing 1 Peter 3:7. It says the husband and wife are heirs together of the grace of life. Together. Not Heir One and Heir Two. 

In the original Greek, the word for "together" means co-heirs or equal heirs. Romans 8:17 goes even further, saying we're "joint heirs with Christ."

So here it is. God designed marriage to be a union of two equals that have different roles. This is not a case of two so-called equals with one being a bit more equal than the other. In God's design for marriage, neither is superior and neither is inferior.

Both roles represent different aspects of God's character. Both roles are equally important to Him. He wants the husband's role and the wife's role to flow together, not conflict. Getting that balance right is a beautiful thing.

The husband isn't to be the Boss who rules and reigns over his wife. No, as an equal partner, he is supposed to be her loving enabler, covering and protector. God did not make him the Supervisor and COO of her life. As a metaphor, God wants him to be the umbrella keeping her dry in the storm.

The wife is called by God to be an equal partner that carries the primary role of nurturer. She flourishes best in her role when the husband enables, covers and protects the way God intends. It's much easier on both of them if she stays under the umbrella of his covering.

When these things are out of balance, their relationship becomes a power struggle with disagreement, unhappiness and friction.

• When it's done right, they're a smooth running team, co-equals and co-owners of the marriage. Neither is the Ruler.

• When it's done right, they empower each other to be better at their God-ordained roles.

• When it's done right, they build consensus and work together toward God-given goals.

The man is typically bigger and stronger, but it's not so that he can dominate his wife. No, God made the man bigger and stronger so that he can protect and serve in ways that please God. In this God-given role, the man is supposed to demonstrate Jesus' love, humility, kindness, mercy and grace.

Ephesians 5:25 NIV

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Getting that right encourages and frees her to better perform her role.

As part of her nurturing and loving nature, the wife is supposed to treat her husband with respect (Ephesians 5:33). That encourages him, freeing him to better perform His role.

To even approach these goals, husbands and wives must both love Jesus and embrace what He describes as dying to self. To get this right, you have to care more about what you can do for your spouse than you care about what your spouse can do for you. That goes for both husbands and wives.

I get great delight out of seeing my wife move in her giftings. It's very satisfying to realize I play a part in that. Similarly, she feels loved and treasured with great heart peace when I operate in my role.

I have to ask both husbands and wives: Does your spouse find you demanding, self-centered, ungrateful, focused on your needs, your wishes, your fears and your complaints? If so, that's not good.

Whether you're the husband or the wife, don't make your spouse dread your next outburst, your next put down, your next criticism, your next demand or expectation. Instead, be the kind of Jesus-loving Christian that your spouse enjoys and looks forward to being around.

It's never easy if your spouse has to love you when you're being a selfish malcontent, a disagreeable and unpleasant partner. On the other hand, if you truly follow Jesus, a godly spouse will find you likeable and loveable, maybe even irresistible. But even if you don’t have a godly, believing spouse, you're still responsible for your part.

Just like pride, being self-centered wears many disguises. You may feel quite justified, but your spouse isn't fooled. And neither is God.

Ask God to show you where you're blind to this issue in yourself. Remember that His extravagant love wants to fix what's wrong. He doesn’t condemn you, but He most definitely intends to fix you. Make it easy on Him and on yourself.

I really like Philippians 2:3-4 as it's rendered in the Expanded Bible translation:

When you do things, do not let selfishness [rivalry; selfish ambition] or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble and give more honor [regard; value] to others than to yourselves.

Do not be interested only in your own life [look out for your own interests], but be interested in the lives of others [look out for others’ interests].

A true servant's heart doesn't care about being thanked or appreciated. That kind of heart cares about loving and blessing the person being served.

The Lord is working to keep our hearts honest and tender towards Him. It's so easy to be hard-hearted when the fine print of repentance starts to cut deeper than we'd like. We can have un-surrendered areas that we're justifying and hiding from ourselves. But God and those around us see them...and it's not pretty.

As I've said before, a blind spot is a blind spot until it's not. God has to open our eyes when we're being self-centered, especially with a spouse. He is the one who brings awareness, drawing us to die to self more than ever before.

In His extravagant love, Jesus wants to open our eyes and turn us away from selfish, self-centered living. He is putting His love on display in us, through us and around us as we walk out the blessings and yes, the trials and sacrifices of this temporary life.

If the Holy Spirit has been talking to you through this message, confess it and repent in fresh surrender to His transforming grace and love. Take the bold step. It will be so very worth it.

I'll close with this prayer. 

Lord, I choose to unconditionally surrender my life to your love, your plans, and your purposes. Whatever You do, don't leave me the way you find me now. Shape me to be a good fit in Jesus' story.

Amen.